HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the
rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out
of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you
have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips
rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and
rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short